About Stephanie

My Journey with Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorder (PMAD)

After the birth of my first child, I suffered from Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorder.  I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I knew I was feeling ‘off’ because I was always attributing my mood to lack of sleep, hormones, holidays, family life, and going back to work.  There was always some reason I felt moody, tired, and irritable.  I was crying all the time beyond the normal baby blues.  Lack of sleep was definitely a major trigger for me; without a certain number of hours I was foggy, lethargic, grumpy, and so many more things.

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Bonus-add on the mom-guilt!  I didn’t enjoy nursing and it made me resentful towards my baby.  Going back to work, especially when I didn’t love my job, pumping, or the idea of daycare made it that much harder.   Then I developed an illness, leading me to keep my distance from my family for 3 months, which was isolating.  As if being a new, parent isn’t isolating enough?  These things added fuel to the fire.

Everything was bothering me. My husband never seemed to help enough around the house or with the baby.  The handful of dishes by the sink looked as though it was the busiest night at a top restaurant (in my mind, anyway).  There was always something to clean or do and I couldn’t relax-I didn’t deserve to relax.  Actually, when I did get time to relax I either fell asleep or I just sat and stared.  I had no creativity to scrapbook, no energy to pick up the knitting needles, no focus to read a book or magazine.  Even a movie was lost on me.  I wanted to spend time with my baby and my husband, yet at the same time I didn’t want to spend time with them.  I couldn’t stand to listen to my husband chew at dinner.  When the baby was fussy, I was annoyed, I cried, and I just stared at him. I would think, “can someone please take care of this little person?” Oh wait-that’s me, I’m the parent.

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When I finally mustered up the courage to ask for help from family and friends, I didn't get the response I was hoping for, which was disappointing.  Maybe they didn’t fully understand what I was feeling or telling them?  Maybe they didn’t know what to do?  I finally shared all my feelings in a parent group with an outpouring of compassion.  Other parents confessed of their own struggles and offered suggestions of where to get help.  It was just what I needed, because when you’re going through all the things I listed above-it’s really hard to help yourself, and without a strong support team, it’s all the harder. 

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The next steps weren't any easier, but I began with a support group.  Listening to so many stories like my own was depressing in some respects and liberating in others.  Why are so many parents suffering?  Yet, I was glad I wasn't alone.

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The next piece was finding a therapist (that's a topic for another day) and things slowly got better.  But then one day, I was just tired and I didn’t feel like trying my exercises or meditations.  It’s ok, I thought, I’ll do it tomorrow or next week.  But then tomorrow or next week would come and I still felt the same. I was headed down that slippery slope and I noticed and felt a lot of the awful things slowly returning.   After something inspirational my therapist said, I decided I didn’t want to miss out on anything else with my family. I wanted to be present and enjoy all the little toddler things that he was doing.  And so I began medication, which was not easy, but in the end, really the best decision for me and my situation.  I think my child was ~2.5 years old when I finally started feeling ‘normal’! 

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Why I Am Here

Despite parenting classes, books, chats with friends-I didn't REALLY comprehend how hard parenting is until I experienced it for myself. And then at 6 weeks, I noticed you're almost left to 'fend for yourself'.  That can be scary.  I wish I had more support once my little one was here and more connection to get me through those hard, scary, and lonely days.  I wish I had someone to explain my feelings and teach me how I'm supposed to manage a household as a working parent.  I wish I hadn't suffered so long in silence.  Can you relate?

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Here is where I come in! I want to offer the assistance and care that I didn’t have.  I will be a guide, cheerleader, accountability partner and a hub of resources to help you through those challenging days (and nights), the struggle of juggling all the things, and process the range of emotions you are experiencing.  Please see my services page to learn more about those ways I am here for you!